ゴールデンウィークが終わるたび、墓場に還る気持ちになる。墓場で休まるのではなく、既に死せる自分自身を埋めるために働くのだ。そんな墓堀りじみた労働の最中に、とあるクライアントにかなり悩まされている。勿論詳細は明かせないが、女性のヒステリアは度し難いとだけ書いておきたい。死んだ体で生きるのと、生きた体で死ぬるのと、どちらが良いか。
人生の儚さといえば、良知力(らちちから)という社会思想史家がいた。名前は変てこだが美しいエッセイを書いた人だ。1985年に癌で亡くなっている。「春と猫塚」というエッセイしか読んだことがないが、人が人生の終焉をこめかみに突きつけられたときの魂の震動が、あらゆる瞬間を大切にすることの重要性を美しく思い出させてくれる。
このエッセイを要約すると、愛猫ぺぺが死んでしまった直後に癌で余命宣告されるという身も蓋もない話だが、さすがに哲学を学んできた人物らしく、本人は冷静に状況を捉えて「死ぬまで生きるだけの話である」と言う。この淡い平静の下に揺らめく悲哀と愛猫や妻子への愛情が読んでいてつらい。だが、微妙な美しさが痛みを上回る。
彼は、まもなく死ぬであろう自分を見つめながら、「もう後にさがる余地はない。不可逆的なときの流れにあえて逆らうという絶望的な構えが残されているだけだ」と語る。
ペペは美人だった姿のままで家族に記憶されている。ペペの墓の前で良知がつい、「もう骸骨になっちまったかな」と言うと妻は憤然、「ペペはちゃんと元のまま、生まれたときと同じ可愛い顔をして眠っていますよ！」と答える。
月並な感想だが、人生は長さではなく、どのように生きるかが重要だということ。だが、人生の限られた長さを余りにも容易に放擲していないだろうかということを自分に問い直すこと。人生が終わらんとする間際になって人間はようやく人生をまともに見つめられるのだという滑稽さを胸に、「ときの流れにあえて逆ら」い続けてみたい。
English
Whenever Golden Week ends, I feel like returning to the graveyard. Instead of resting there, I work hard, burying my already dead body. In the midst of this undertaker-like labour, a particular client has been troubling me these past few days. I cannot reveal the details, but I will say that dealing with female hysteria is difficult. Which is better: living in a dead body or being dead in a lively body?
Speaking of the transience of life, there was a social historian named Chikara Rachi who had an eccentric name but wrote a beautiful essay. He passed away from cancer in 1985. I have only read one of his essays titled "Spring and Cat Mound," but the soul's tremor when a person is faced with the end of life reminds us beautifully of the importance of cherishing every moment.
In summary, the essay tells the story of Rachi being diagnosed with cancer shortly after his beloved cat Pepe died. However, as expected of someone who studied philosophy, Rachi calmly reflects on his situation and says, "It's just a story of living until you die." The sadness and love for his beloved cat, wife, and daughter that flicker under this calmness are painful to read, but the subtle beauty outweighs the pain.
As Rachi reflects on his mortality, he writes, “There is no room for going back anymore. Only a desperate stance of going against the irreversible flow of time remains.”
Pepe is remembered by his family as a beautiful cat. When Rachi stands in front of Pepe's grave and says, "I wonder if she's become a mere skeleton by now," his wife angrily replies, "Pepe is sleeping with the same cute face she had when she was born!"
It may be a cliché, but what is important in life is not its length but how you live it. However, it is important to ask yourself whether you are not too easily wasting the limited length of your life. With the absurdity that humans can only truly reflect on their life at its very end, I want to keep "going against the flow of time" as long as possible.
